In a lot of ways 2009 was a tough year for me. Struggling with loneliness, bitterness, and burnout along with all kinds of other sins too numerous to mention here, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a deeper need for God and had it answered with a more fleeting joy. Looking back over my journal entries, written prayers, and various writings I’ve also seen a theme of bone-weariness that taken a heavy toll on me spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So in the post-sunset twilight hours of 2009 I am compelled to reflect on what a year it was, and speculate on the first glow of 2010’s sunrise as it peaks over the horizon.
Even though it has been one of the toughest years in the hardest season of my life yet (my post-graduate mid-20’s), I am hopeful in God’s purposes for me. He has never and will never forsake me. And his goodness doesn’t depend on my happiness – he is good whether I die tonight on my way home or whether I live to see my great-grandchildren. And even though I am very tired and weary right now and it feels like winter in my soul, I am looking forward to the day when I look back on this time and see the hidden smile of God all the while. And I am looking forward to a time when life begins to make sense again. But most of all I am looking forward with eager expectation to the eternal rest that awaits me in heaven.
So right now I am breathing a sigh of relief – relief that a tough year is past and I am another year closer to heaven; relief that God has yet again proven himself faithful in answering my needs, and relief that God is much bigger than my struggles.
God, even though life doesn’t make sense to me right now my faith in you remains steadfast because you are more than struggles, more than certainty, more than confidence, and more than I could ever have hoped for. Even though I see in part and know in part, I praise you that you know more fully than I ever will, and I ask that you sustain me in my nearsightedness. I pray that you remind me of your goodness and your sovereignty in times like these, and I pray that I don’t miss what you’re teaching me through them. God you are so gracious to me in giving me the righteousness of Christ – I pray that I don’t take it for granted and that I am a good steward of the gifts that you’ve given me. Let me live for you; let me glorify you with my thoughts, actions, words, and motivations. Give me the grace to yearn for you and seek you in all that I do. And I pray that I follow you faithfully this year, no matter where you lead me or what you lead me through.
“Winter”
by Shawn McDonald
Sometimes I feel like winter, cold I feel
Icicles are forming
It's hard to tell what is real
Cold winter, cold winter day
Frost is on the windshield and it's hard to see
Air is like slivers
It's hard to breathe
It's a cold winter, cold winter day
Warm me up inside
And let your face from me not hide
'Cause You are what I long for
To melt this cold heart of mine
'Cause when You are around I am found
Sometimes I feel like the prodigal, a wandering weary son
Gone in search of something beautiful
Something to make me one
It's a cold winter, cold winter day
The world is full of lies that will only rob you blind
Hit ya' when you are not looking
And steal away your time
It's a cold winter, cold winter day
And warm me up inside
Let Your face from me not hide
'Cause You are what I long to find
To melt this cold heart of mine
And when You are around I am found
Warm me up inside
And let your face from me not hide
'Cause You are what I long to find
To melt this cold heart of mine
'Cause when You are around
'Cause when You are around
And when You are around I am found
